Fear and Faith

Here I am awake at fourish in the morning drinking tea because my throat is sore, wishing I was asleep because my head hurts, and thinking about how miserable it is gonna be when I work cattle in a few hours with my hubby. I don't mind working cattle, but it is a loud difficult job at the best times, and to do it when sick is just a bummer..
Know what else I'm thinking? I'm thinking I'm cold. Just a few minutes ago I was burning up and sweating, now I'm cold. I want a fire, but am to lazy to make one. So I bundle up in a blanket. I am also thinking about fear.
Strange combo of thoughts I know. The Lord reminded me a few days ago that I am celebrating a milestone, an anniversary. I have wanted to start typing and see where my thoughts take me for a few days now, so now I invite you, dear one, to come into the mess that is my thought processes. You see, I never know what is gonna come out of my head when I start typing, that is why I started this whole "blog" thing, to see what comes out.
So fear... Fear has directed my life. Really it has, and I see places where I have stood with God and said enough, not letting fear limit me in this place any longer. Each time is a break through deepening my relationship and increases my faith. So what is this anniversary I speak of, and what has it to do with fear you ask.
A little more than a year ago, late October or early November 2010, I was challenged by a sermon, challenged to step beyond a crippling fear into the arms of faith. I was challenged to trust God enough to pray what was for me a really terrifying prayer. A prayer you struggle with for a few days or even weeks, or years, before you have the guts, the faith, the trust, to pray. Probably the most powerful prayer I have ever had the courage to utter. Simple words tho, funny how that is, hard prayer, simple words. Here was the jest of it, "God, make me a Godly woman, whatever it takes, make me a Godly woman. You have free reign to use whatever you need to use, do whatever you need to do, I hold nothing back from you. Not my stuff, not my cherished family, not my relationships, not my husband, not my home, use what ever you need to make me godly."
It terrified me to pray this. It caused me to really examine my trust, my faith in God. Do I trust him to love me fully and bring what is best for me? Fine if it is easy, but what if it is through pain? I hate pain. I avoid it, flee from it, fear it, and yet it is sometimes the vehicle used to bring me into a place I would not enter into otherwise.
So here I am a year later, God has not come into my life and forcefully removed things from me. He has asked me to step out in my faith in bigger ways. I am giving of my finances beyond anything I have ever done in the past. I expect this to increase. I am heading for a country I have never been to to bring some love into lives that are so difficult I can't even imagine. To go and know I will be challenged to change my way of thinking. To change my way of living. To change my value system. To have the heart of God rather than my own selfish heart. This is what I hope to find, to do, on this winter trip.
I have had the opportunity to love beyond what I ever expected to. People brought into our lives that have not yet heard or believed the good news. Strange how easy it is to love them just where they are, no judgement, no expectations, just cherish them for who they are. Never could have done that in years past. I have been challenged to be that example of a life lived differently. The salt, the light, the fragrance of Christ. Never before has my life been so noticed. I have begun to be that one who is the older woman spoken of in the bible. One who is, I hope, filled with wisdom for those younger women.
Stepping it up is not comfortable. It is humbling. That God would entrust me with these ones, that I migh influence their lives in a positive way, very humbling.
So now it is fiveish. Still have a headache, on my second cup of tea, and I have a few thoughts out of my head. It is good to reflect on where I have gone in a year. How far God has taken me! I marvel.I am excited more than apprehensive about where we will go next.